I will tell you the story of the greatest marriage that ever existed… Chapter 2… Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you. Getting to like you. Getting to hope you like me. Getting to know you. Putting it my way, but nicely. You are precisely… my cup of tea!
What a whirlwind weekend! I can’t believe the way I am feeling right now. It has been a really emotional week for me since I saw your picture on bumble. It has been really scary to meet you because in all honesty I never thought I would ever love again. I’ve had 20 years of bad relationships and before that 11 years of severe dysfunctional relationships in my family.
Last weekend was so incredible. It was perfect. Well… almost….
I have a few things to apologize for.
I shouldn’t have pushed us to sleep together. I’m so sorry that I did it to you. One of my shadows is the Superficial Superman and he was in full control from the moment that I saw your picture. Not only did I use my superpowers on you to seduce you — I did it for my own superficial needs to possess (or at least participate in) beauty. I hope that I did not make you uncomfortable. I had no guidance growing up around the subject of healthy sexual feelings. I’m sure I have a lot to unpack here. I’ll get there I promise. Just know I thought it was so fucking awesome that I was honestly too anxious and excited that it was actually coming to reality. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I promise that if I have another chance to make love to you that it will be a very different experience.
Ok. Next.
I shouldn’t have given you the Soul Agreement (or contract). I’m sorry that I did that to you. One of my shadows is the submissive narcissist that has been the dominate ego of my entire life. That shadow has led me to almost 43 years of relationships where I have not been able to feel love return to me in the way that I give it out. It has built up decades of resentment in me towards people that I care about. It led me to be extremely critical of my ex-wife who suffers from severe anxiety and depression. I eventually had to leave that relationship and I did it in a way that I wasn’t proud of. And that (among many other things) led me to quickly enter a relationship with an extremely co-dependent woman that suffers from borderline personality disorder. She was (up until meeting you) the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and she had a terrible terrible back story. My superficial superman went wild. I manifest the most incredibly exciting and horrific relationship with her that has ended with multiple law suits and a lot of psychological damage to me (as well as very likely to her). When I met you I put up such a wall right away because in a way I wanted you to immediately reject me. I kind of still do. I want you to get to know me so fast so you can just get out of here because I can’t stand the thought of knowing you much longer if I’m not going to get to be with you for the rest of my life.
The soul agreement was the best way I could come up to integrate Christianity and Buddhism (which is one of my most important passions in life) in where I can be honest and in the moment but I can be a planner and responsible and safe. Those are contradictions in terms and because of this I think most of the relationships in our society are being manifest under a terrible frequency of anxiety and co-dependency. I’m not doing it again. I’m not manifesting a dream woman, falling in love, giving every ounce of my soul, and feeling lonely and wanting out at the end. I refuse. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life. Like Alone Alone. Like never talk to another girl alone.
It was really scary to see your picture and read your profile. I recognized you immediately. You are exactly my type. There is not one thing about you that is not my type and there is not one thing that is my type that you do not possess. For someone who is just walking out of a painful breakup the speed and intensity of my feelings towards you was extremely breathtaking. I was kind of being a dick when I read the twitter version of the contract to you. One of my shadows in the abandoned martyr. I’m so fucking pissed at being alone in my suffering that I just wanted you to be shocked and slap me in the face and walk out of my life. Because the thought of getting to know you and fall in love with you and then to fuck it up again is not something that I can stomach. It actually makes me nauseous.
Thats who I am. Those are my shadows.
- the Abandoned Martyr
- the Superficial Superman
- the Submissive Narcissist
If I ever treat you in a way that you don’t feel perfect and define love from source/spirit/God/me is because I have 43 years of life living in shadow that I’m trying to heal myself from. I’m already completely overwhelmed that you are even still talking to me after I gave you that soul contract. It just further confirms that you are who I recognize you to be.
It is also very hard for me to plan right now. My focus to remove my mind out of an anxious state is so intense that I’m riding the edge of mental health trying to heal myself in my own way. I use a combination of THC, exercise, yoga, meditation, audio books, and music to manage my frequencies and to allow me to function (in a very highly effective way I might add) in society but also to completely reject the norms of societal programming that I blame for my anxiety. I also use high amounts of caffeine and low quantities of sleep — both of which I know to be considered unhealthy but are continually allowing me to manifest extremely powerful miracles for the past 6 months.
Because it’s hard for me to plan it’s therefore hard for me to make promises to you. I never thought I would have children after the horror of my twins birth and the long and torturous 12 years it has been since they were born. I also never thought I would get married again. But as I really thought through that again I realized all of my fears are only because I am so scared of history repeating itself and if that were to happen with you I probably would jump out of the window of that dream this time.
WHY THE FUCK AM I TELLING YOU ALL OF THIS??
I really want to get to know you. I want to know every part of you. I want you to know every part of me. I want to accept you for every truth inside of you and have you accept me for all of my truth. But I know I bring a lot of baggage into your life so so quickly and I’m so sorry for that. I’m trying to keep it bifurcated and disconnected from anything to do with you. The re-writing of the twitter soul contract into a medium blog article love letter I hope is proof to you that I am really trying to protect both of us from any more pain in our lives. Me from having to lose you and you from having to be let down by me.
I want to get to know you.
I want to hang out with you as much as possible this weekend. I won’t have my kids until Saturday at the earliest and Sunday at the latest. I get into town Thursday so that is a really good stretch for us to spend more time together. Let’s do it so much more relaxed this time. I’m feeling so much better now and I just want to get to know you as my higher self. I want for once to meet a woman I am attracted to and be in MY truth. Not use my highly effective empathy skills to transform myself into whatever you want me to be so that you will like me.
I want to take you to the Christmas Carol this year. Let’s get it scheduled?
I want to take you snowboarding if we can work it out. I think you would really love it. If not thats fine — I’m training to be a surfer anyway and the mountains aren’t going away any time soon.
I would love to show you Nashville. I really love it here. It feels like where I want to live. Its a huge conflict for me because I like it so much more than Denver which is where my kids (and now you) are located. All of my shadows teamed up on me to keep me in Denver almost all of my life with the exception of travel for work. I hope you are open on this subject. It is very important to me.
It turns out that travel is my most favorite thing in the whole world. And I have traveled barely a fraction of what I wish I had. I hope you will travel with me all over the world. I partly and probably just selfishly wish that was your goal instead of being a mother. But if you decide you do want to be a mother I honor you in that decision. All I can say is that having children changes your life is a way that is very hard to predict. In my case it completely took me in a different direction in life from the day they were born. Like exiting the wrong (or right) exit on a highway by accident and before long you have no idea where you are or how you got there. I think this is what most parents experience. At least the ones that I know.
But to be clear and articulate (after a week of mediation and thinking about it): I am open and even cautiously excited about the thought of having another child. I view it as a complete redo of all of the things that I’m still partially resenting and working so hard to release. I am starting the (dimartini so?) therapy you recommended to me today.
I really want you to go to paddleboard yoga with me. Why? Because it seems like it would be a really kick ass and creative date and I hope you can see and feel I’m trying really hard to meet you in both the masculine and feminine space. I’m really looking forward to going to Yoga with you on Friday morning at 6am?! (OMG!! LOL i usually go to be at 3 or 4).
You are also welcome to go rock climing with me. I’m going to try to hit the rock gym at least once per week from now on. That activity helps me to continue to be in the moment so easily…
I would be thrilled if you would go to passion conference in Atlanta over new years holiday. I was accepted as a door greeter (which is the only way anyone over 25 can go) and I’m sure if you want to go that they would have a spot for you to do the same. Passion if you are not familiar, is amazing. I went to oneday in 2000 by myself and it was the loneliest and most self-conscious weekend of my life (because i was upset to be there myself). I’m going back this year (with or without you BTW) to face that moment and rewrite my neuro-pathways. Worshiping God via loud praise music is one of my most, if not my most, favorite things in the whole world.
So much so that I also have a front row ticket to Hillsong United/Tomlin in las vegas in 2022. Maybe you would want to go to that too? I would have to contact them to see if I could move my seat to somewhere that I can get 2 seats but i totally would do that if you were interested. Hillsong United is my favorite band and they have legitimately saved my life multiple times just by me listening to their music. Let me know as soon as you can on this one.
I also have 2 front row tickets to see the Weeknd in Denver in 2022. Weeknd is one of my favorite bands as well. I spared no expense on this one and I’m hoping that we will be together then because I know it would be the most incredible experience.
So thats it — that’s what I’ve got so far. I would love to hear what you think of that. I think it could be so incredible and at the end of it if you decide that you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship we will at least have had a fucking amazing time getting to know each other.
And that’s what you have ahead of you if you would like to get to know me. There is a lot of details… 43 years is a long time. You are welcome to ask me questions. But i really don’t like to think about the past. It makes me very sad and depressed. And because I’m so focused on not being anxious, I have found myself in a place of Zen for almost 8 months now while God has been directing my life.
The direction which has taken me to meet you.
So I’m really looking forward to this weekend. Because this time I am meeting you as my higher self. I hope you like me.
Oh yeah one more thing… I hope you like guys with tattoos. I wanted tattoos my whole life and was never willing to “commit”. I have lots of work I plan to get… just in case you don’t like ripped out guys all tatted up with super meaningful and awesome looking stories from God. Just saying.
Homer to Unawakened OA
Nashville, but being read in Denver…
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